February 3rd Thoughts:
January 20th Thoughts:
I believe God brings certain people into our lives to teach us lessons and to help us grow. God removes them from our lives once they have served their purpose because they will only hinder in our next level. It doesn’t mean what we shared with this person wasn’t genuine, it just means their part in our story has come to an end and we are stronger people because of their stay..
I have reached a point in my life where nothing can hurt me as badly as it used to. Things happen and you get hurt and people leave and hearts get broken - but life goes on. I have built a wall around me using nothing but self love and that is why, when things go wrong I am no longer affected. I respect myself enough now to know my worth and that means not destroying myself because someone didn’t love me back, or someone didn’t stay and fight for me when they could have. I used to be affected by the smallest things but now i can’t shed a single tear. This isn’t because i’ve become numb, but because I know no one is worth my tears. No one is worth my time or emotions because those are the two things which, once i’ve spent i’ll never get back. And that is why I’ve reached this point where even if the person who makes me the happiest was leaving, I would let them go and keep on living.
February 11th Thoughts:
Ive found that its so important to notice when something is stunting my growth. I worked my ass off to become the person i’m becoming for ME, not for anybody else and it would be foolish to let anything get in the way of that. I am PROUD of who i am and who i’m becoming. When i notice something is bringing out an unhealthy part of me that is still healing i have to stop, remind myself who the fuck I am and the madness i traveled through to find myself, the journey i’ve gone on to better myself and remind myself that no one can take this from me.
February 22nd Thoughts:
I discovered that sometimes our own personal growth through self discovery scares others who aren’t ready to grow themselves. It’s hard for them to stand by us while we are transforming into your better selves while they are still stuck in their own struggles. They will begin to treat us negatively and attempt to hinder the growth were making. They seem to be jealous of our happiness and the recognition of our self worth. This isn’t a reason to hate them or wish them evil, this is a time to wish them more love and happiness. Don’t ever regret the love you gave to someone else because they probably needed it. The mindset to have toward these people is to not hate them, just hope that they heal.
March 18th Thoughts:
I’ve been finding myself feeling dismissed from different people in my life which leads to feeling unworthy and lonely. Too many of my thoughts have been about what other people think of me or what i believe they are thinking of me. After realizing this and then reflecting on it i discovered that nobody knows me like i know myself. Of course people are going to have their thoughts and feelings when it comes to me as a person. To some people, I will always be the bad guy in their stories. But I know who I am and I know I am so much more than what some people will see. I’m not here to worry about the myths others have about me. I’m not here to worry about my reputation that may be completely false. I’m here to focus on my character. My character is who i am and my reputation is what others think i am.
March 24th Thoughts:
I began to feel like I was failing myself in my recovery while I was making choices that were capable of leading me off the path of success. When I made the decision to let go of certain behvaiors that were hindering my growth I felt a sense of power that was much stronger than the feeling of failure. I don't just choose recovery, it's something that I have to keep choosing every single day and I am comitted to that choice. We are human, not perfect. We fall and we rise, make mistakes and we learn. I realized that healing is intentional. Healing comes in waves and sometimes the wave hits the rocks. But that's okay, I'm still healing.
April 17th Thoughts:
I was talking to a few friends from different groups I attend and we talked about how putting in the work to choose healing day in and day out has become a habit for us now, and how incredible that is. We talked about how we feel the strongest we’ve ever felt in our lives right now because we keep choosing to do the work. But this also made us realize just how easy not choosing healing would be. How easy it would be to just give in and let our minds have full control over us again. There was a sense of comfort in knowing that our demons that can take us to our darkest moments are always there for us to fall back on if we ever got tired. Realizing this just made me feel ever more inspired to keep choosing healing and happiness everyday. Realizing how easy it would be to just stop fighting made me realize how BAD ASS choosing to fight really is.
April 22nd Thoughts:
Iv'e been reflecting back upon 6 months ago when my bipolar disorder was in full power mode and it made me think about myself and where i was to where i am now. One of the major effects bipolar has had on me is losing people. While I was going from crazy highs to the lowest lows, i could hardly stay afloat myself, and this made me realize how difficult it is for some people to stay through. It's really eye opening to look back on my thought process and my actions 6 months ago. Just how hurtful my disorder was to others and how selfish it made me. And to think that at that time I was truthfully doing the best I knew how. Thinking about myself during those times has made me feel angry at myself numerous times. But my bipolar disorder is starting to give me the clarity I have been needing. Making sense out of the person I presented as while I was unknowingly hurting the people I love. How my disorder stripped me of my character and my passion to give to and heal others. My bipolar disorder may have caused things to happen that I would've never wished for but it also has given me tons of lessons. Im learning to not be ashamed of the person I was and maybe the person I will be again while living with this diagnosis. I’m learning i’m not less deserving of love because of my disorder. I'm learning how to take accountability. Im learnging how to feel less guilty for the ways my disorder disaplys itself because at those times I am doing the best I know how. I love and appreciate everyone in my life just as I love those who had to leave because of the way my disorder affected their lives. I am going to let this diagnosis fuel me in my journey to be vulnerable with others and to help to heal
April 24th Thoughts:
Healing is far from linear. Healing HURTS. Sometimes you’ll think everything’s settled and then more buried emotions will come out of nowhere. The healing doesn’t stop. Healing has been the most inspiring, eye opening, difficult, amazing, unpredictable, influential, and tiring journey for me. I am so grateful for it.
April 26th Thoughts:
I’m working on a goal to be more vulnerable and honest. It occurred to me when people ask me, “How’s school going?” and I lie and tell them oh its great, when it actuality I had to drop out for the year because of my mental health challenges. Why do we as people do that? Why do we make up things just so we don’t have to share with others that we were simply struggling. I try and share my story and experiences with as many people as I can because I believe in the possibility that it will help someone else, yet I still find myself making up reasons instead of being honest and owning my shit. I blame societies stigma toward mental illness for that. I know I was placed on this earth to use my story to provide hope to others. I’m over hiding these things that make me who I am. I’m learning everyday that there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of me. Someone, somewhere needs to hear it. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of and neither is talking about it. To any of my friends reading this who are struggling or that are thriving, dont be afraid to share your story of pain and hope with others. Vulnerability breeds vulnerability which leads to connection and connection breeds love.
May 15th Thoughts:
A part of me started to feel embarrassed about my random strong urge to share with others my appreciation for them. It’s almost like a wave that hits me out of nowhere and reminds me of all the people and things I should be grateful for. Sharing this appreciation with them is necessary to my soul at those times. I’m not embarrassed of it anymore. I’m not embarrassed of feeling in extremes. I’m not embarrassed of the love that pours out of me.